Week 4, Tuesday - After motive announcement (cw: implied mentions of suicidal ideation and suicide)

[illusionarymelody]

[Well, that sure was a motive announcement and Vita definitely can't help being scared. There are definitely friends and loved ones that she is concerned about, but even targeting them? What if Jonathan falls for it with his current lack of confidence in himself? Or Arthur who feels he's useless? Or Caleb who is afraid of his past? Then there's Emma who had so much pushed onto her when she lacks confidence in herself. Or Yurick who is afraid of his future. She just knows too many possible victims of such a horrible little creature and she doesn't want anything bad to happen to them.

And all she has to do is kill and get away with it. But could she do it and not die again at the hands of another who is afraid? At the very least, she should talk to her husband about it and allow him to provide his support. Give him a chance to talk her out of this as she knows he will. She knows very well he wouldn't help her plan a murder, right?

She really hopes she is right about this when she decides to bring it up when they are home and alone and they are just holding each other and haven't yet gone to bed.]

Jonathan, did that motive scare you too?

Comments

[backuphero]

[It's growing easier to answer that question honestly, especially when the woman doing the asking is holding him just as much as he's holding on to her.

There's so little that's solid, here. There's too much he can't fight, too little he can change. In the face of a motive like this one, he feels especially useless.]

I know Charlotte would never go for it, but... yeah. Yeah, it did.

[illusionarymelody]

I know she wouldn't too. But I can't say the same for others and we can't warn them about what that creature is like.

[Her voice definitely sounds scared, but more importantly she's scared of her temptation to fall for it again. Can she even truly do that now when she has so much to lose if she fails? She just hopes that Jonathan will talk her out of it and comfort her and tell her everything will be fine.]

[backuphero]

I don't want that thing having any say where my soul ends up. I think that's the only reason I know for sure that I won't go for it.

["Where my soul ends up"... there's an idea starting to take shape in Jonathan's mind, just an outline, but a terrible one.]

What if... what if you didn't take the deal, but you managed to protect Emma, anyway? The way they explained it, the person holding a weapon when it's used is the one who does the murder, even if it was somebody else who gave it to them.

[He can change this. Maybe. He ought to be comforting her, but there's a horrific possibility that's just now becoming clear....]

[illusionarymelody]

They said it was the one who inflicts the fatal blow. So like with the last one if there had been two attackers, the one who used the knife would have been the culprit. Holding the knife wouldn't have been enough, I'd have to be the one who uses it.

[And even with Jonathan's help, that isn't enough. She's not good with weapons and there is too much potential of a mistake and he kills them instead. She's the one more capable of handling a trial as long as she's accepted failure as an outcome. But if she has done so, that already would be suspicious.]

I do want to protect Emma, but I also don't want to risk leaving you alone again.

[backuphero]

I - you wouldn't have to, I think maybe I can do something useful for a change... I don't want to ask this. God, I don't want to ask this of you, but....

[She has to have noticed how his heart's gone frozen in his chest, close as they are. Except it hasn't stopped, it's beating faster even as it feels like it's gone to ice.]

If you get out of here okay, then you can bring me back. If you... e-...

Even if it's just too many sleeping pills in a cup of coffee or something like that, if you're holding it while I drink, Emma's safe. Nagisa and Charlotte can talk Yurick down, he wouldn't keep the hell-rabbit a secret from them now. And you can bring me back, when you get out of here.

[illusionarymelody]

You just stop that train of thought right now. If I kill you, who is to protect me in the trial? Who is to protect me if I get away with it and they all want me dead for it?

[And who is to protect her from the hurt that will come from having killed the man she loves? What if she fails to bring him back? She has done it before, but she definitely needs a way to access the soul to do it again.]

I don't think I could do it. I mean, I do know the right poisons and if it's not clearly poisoning and something that would be difficult for me I'd not be suspected. But how can you expect me to kill someone I love as much as you?

[backuphero]

Because not even death can keep me away from you for too long, and you know how and why.

[His voice is gentle, and warm, and desperately pleading all at once.]

If I left a letter - ? Hell, I don't know. That's the part I can't figure out yet either, who'd be taking care of you while I was... away.

[illusionarymelody]

[She's just going to bury her head into his chest and start crying. She wanted to be talked out of this, not have her husband try to talk her into it and suggest himself as her victim and that gentle voice isn't helping things. He doesn't understand how much it hurt to be away even before they realized what they had was love. Now it would be brutally painful.]

I don't want to lose you, not even temporarily. I still could fail at bringing you back, you know.

[backuphero]

[Even if his heart is shattering now, frozen glass, Jonathan's resolve is intact. Even as his voice shakes. Even as his eyes burn, as his vision blurs - damned traitor tear ducts....]

I know it's awful, but I can't see another way. I... Vita, I love you and I believe in you. And God, I'm scared, I won't pretend I'm not, but....

[But he feels helpless, and he can't take any more of that. Sobbing is easier than speech, which means it's still just one strangled noise that twists out of his throat. He hates this corner they're backed into, hates himself for forcing Vita into something this inhumanly cruel. He can't hardly make a sound beyond gasping for breath.]

I'm - I'm sorry....

[illusionarymelody]

[She's just going to keep on holding him tight as she also is crying. She doesn't want to do this, but it makes some sense. Even if she loses it during the trial, people would just think she's a distraught widow. No one would suspect she's capable of killing the one person she loves and trusts.]

Of course you're scared. If I make even a tiny mistake you could suffer a lot or even not die. You won't be there to protect me and there is the possibility I won't be able to bring you back. I'm scared I'll fail you and will either join you on the other side or be forced to live on alone. [She stops for a bit, she's sobbing again because this hurts too much and it hurts more to think she's even considering killing someone she loves so much. That Jonathan would even feel so terrible to even ask this of her.]

I want you to promise me, if I agree to do this and can't bring you back... [She trails off for a bit and seems like she's having a hard time finishing this.] That you'll accept if I decide to join you in death? Or that if I fail and die that you won't blame yourself.

[backuphero]

[He nods, mute but for some small noises that might be called whimpering. (He'd prefer not to do that, though.) It takes a few attempts to get the words out - ]

Can't blame myself for your choice. You don't let me now, wouldn't change just 'cause I died... I'd want you to find someone to live with, but... if you really can't, well. We've seen Hell, Purgatory won't be so bad if I'm with you....

[That's assuming they end up in the afterlife he expects, but he's not in the right place for metaphysical discussions right now. Everything that can hurt without being physically struck hurts.]

I watched him die, Vita... I don't want it to be like that, I don't want to not know if you're there with me or not. I know this is more than I should ever ask, but....

[illusionarymelody]

[She doubts he understands that if she can't bring him back, she won't be able to live with the guilt of knowing she took away her own happiness and that she deserves to die for that.]

I think you know very well I'm not going to settle for second best. You're stuck with me forever. It's your punishment for stealing my heart and making me fall in love with you.

[She's trying to joke about it, but she can't help that she's still sad and upset. She still can't find the words to agree and wants there to be another way, but at the very least she can listen to all his wishes.]

You can say it, I just want to hold you and I still don't know if I can do this, but if I agree I want to make sure it is as pleasant as death can possibly be.

[backuphero]

Then... then just stay with me, until the end. Sing me to sleep.

[He appreciates the joke. Really, he does, it's nice to see his primary coping mechanism from the outside for once. But he can't smile, right now, let alone laugh.]

It's not "being stuck" when I want to stay, is it?

[illusionarymelody]

I'll try, but I can't promise anything I sing won't be interrupted by tears, but I can definitely promise to hold you and do my best to sing you a sweet lullaby to guide you towards a peaceful rest.

But are you sure there is no other way? I don't think I'll be able to bear losing you even temporarily. I just want to get out of here with you and have that beautiful life we promised each other and give you a bunch of beautiful daughters and maybe we'll be lucky and have a son.

[backuphero]

You make it sound like you want us to outgrow my family's house... I think I like that.

[It's easier if he looks to the future, now. If they can build their castles in the air, if they can dream, he can think past what it will be like to find out what Eric still won't speak of, what Vita could barely convey but still so fears.]

Vita, I know you'll cry, and I can't say I won't be, not knowing how long we'll be apart. I won't mind. I know it won't be the last time I hear your voice, or see your face... love is stronger than death. Isn't that something we both know?

We'll make it out of here together, one way or another.

[illusionarymelody]

As long as you're there to help me raise them, I'll give you as many children as you want. I can't do it without you.

If I agree, you'll promise me you we'll wait until the last minute and we'll keep searching for another way? At the very least, I want to spend every possible moment with you until we must part.