illusionarymelody | Sunday morning

Sunday morning - Week 3

[That trial was definitely rough and while Vita was okay with talking with a few decent people who were worried about her, she's very much not feeling like leaving her house any more. Truly, she doesn't need anyone here besides Jonathan and she definitely doesn't care for their hosts. She's also very afraid that if she sees King again that she'll be incapable of preventing herself from resorting to violence with him.

At this point, she just doesn't want to go out. Only a few of these people are worth her time, but the risk of running into the terrible people who seemed to want her dead for disliking a murderer were too high. It was clear that Jonathan is the only one she can completely trust and only a few others are worth her time now.

She put Jonathan to bed last night because she was definitely not going to have a repeat of the incident at the Base. She appreciated him staying up to make sure she was safe even if she knew he was doing it as much for his sake as her own. Now she'll take care of him and make sure he sees to his own needs as well.

However, she went to bed late since she had trouble falling asleep herself and she ended up waking up before him and couldn't fall back asleep like she normally would if she wakes up before him. She knows though that if she leaves the bed that he'll react poorly if she's not there and truly, she doesn't even want to leave his side. It's warm, happy and secure next to him and outside of here is just despair, hate, and death.

So while he sleeps, she's just going to take the time to look at her husband and how completely adorable he looks while he's sleeping. So sweet and innocent looking as he sleeps and completely adorable. If only she had her magic and could just take them both out of this horrible place and get back to their honeymoon and the future they want. She's still just looking and not touching him because he needs his sleep and she's not going to bother that just because she can't fall back asleep. She's patient, she can wait for him to wake up.]

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[There are some dreams Jonathan wishes he didn't have. Still, if the one he just had was one of those, he can't remember it once he's properly awake. There's just this sense that he failed somehow... but he didn't, can't have, not with that familiar warmth beside him in bed. His eyelids flutter for a moment, and -

That Vita is awake is unusual. After the trial - well, there wasn't much of a reason to go out, true, but - they'd stayed in. He knew she'd managed to get him into bed and not joined him immediately, but he'd been running on autopilot by then. Things were a blur once they'd left the "courtroom".

He hadn't even realized how tired he'd been. He blinks again, gazing at Vita with just the beginnings of confusion stirring in his mind.]

Morning, beautiful... you got some sleep, right?

[It isn't as if he could blame her for anything, if the answer is "no".]

[She definitely is a bit lacking in her normal smile that she would have upon waking up and seeing him or even in the rare cases she woke up first and couldn't sleep. She'll just give him a quick kiss.]

A little.

[And he'll catch on fast that something is off. Her voice just seems flat and quiet. So flat that he can't even tell from it how she's feeling and a very far cry from her normal cool and confident manner.]

[That kiss was swift - just barely enough to wake up some sort of fairytale prince that he isn't - and oh, that withdrawn tone of voice just hurts to hear.]

Little's better than nothing, but...

[He reaches over and sets a hand at the side of her face, almost as if he's afraid he'll say the wrong thing if he doesn't back it up with contact like that.]

What do you need me to do, right now?

[She appreciates the contact even if it's not going to seem to be of any immediate help. He's the only one who she can trust completely, it became clear that any of the rest could betray her and it doesn't matter if she didn't do it, they could still decide she needs to die for just hating someone.]

I don't know what you can do. It's obvious I can't be fixed and eventually they'll all just hate me and decide I should die for it and you won't be able to protect me if that happens.

[And he'll probably die too, because she knows very well he will try to protect her even despite that. If she wants to keep him safe, she has to keep herself safe and she doesn't know how to do that any more. With her saying more, it's clear she's lost a lot of her normal confidence and there's a clear fear and sadness.]

Hey, don't... don't talk about my wife like that.

[He's trying to joke, even as shaky as his voice is, even when he can only half-heartedly smile.

They'd talked over exactly how to fix this. They're going to do that when they get out of this new hell. ]

Even if we have to cross worlds to do it, you'll be okay. We talked about it, remember? When I found you, same day we got here.

[It is so hard to be strong when all he is just wants to break down and cry. It's childish, maybe, but seeing her in this kind of shattered state is agony of a kind liable to start his eyes leaking.]

Even if I couldn't protect you, we'd be together, at least. There's no way I'd survive... I know I'm not helping with that, but it's true.

[She's about to answer that she can say what she wishes about herself, especially when it's true.]

You're not helping because I don't want anything to happen to you, but I'm not able to protect you. I can't even get us out of here and I know very well a witch without her magic is all but useless.

Vita, no. Maybe you can't fight, but... damn it, I'll get it right this time. I'll protect you, same as I would back home if you couldn't fight for some reason.

[This is why he woke up feeling like he'd failed, isn't it. The love of his life thinks she's useless, and he's been leaning on her so much he didn't even see this until it had happened.]

I don't want anything happening to you, either....

You can't protect me from them all deciding to vote that I killed a person. You'll just die with me.

[And of course he didn't see it, because she's far too skilled at putting up an act of being fine, but each day she just starting losing even that skill. She no longer can pretend everything is fine and they'll get out of this alive because that's just seeming to be impossible now.

But after saying that, she's just going to bury her face in his chest and start crying. She can't say anything more, it just hurts too much and nothing can fix this.]

[He is helpless against this. Jonathan hates feeling helpless, but it doesn't matter how much he hates it, he can't deny it. There's no way to fight the past, there's no way to put right something that's already gone wrong. He can be here in the present, can hold Vita close and stroke her hair and hum a sentimental song deep in his chest so he feels his voice more than he can hear it -

He can't go back and make things happen differently no matter how much he wishes he could. He can't even say "it'll be all right", once he's realized he's simply humming the same few bars over and over again.]

No matter what happens, I'm with you.

[It's hard to keep words from falling into the tempo of that ceaseless tick... tick... ticking, but he tries, anyway. It feels like she's always singing to try and lift his spirits - maybe it's presumptuous to think he can do the same for her, but he can't not try, not at a time like this. ]

Yours 'til the stars lose their glory, yours 'til the birds cease to sing... yours, 'til the end of my story; this pledge to you, dear, I bring...

[Something with an offbeat rhythm can keep that beat out of both of their heads for a little, can't it?]

Yours through the grayest December, home or on far distant shores...

[He's no match for Vera Lynn, sure, but he was a choirboy once. Even knowing can't remember the words properly, he has to try.]

I've never loved anyone the way I love you... how could I, when I was born to be just yours?

[He can't manage the bridge and the fast reprise at a time like this, lying down, but at least his voice doesn't break on the last note he sings.]

Edited (missing bracket....) 2020-02-10 19:53 (UTC)

[What he is doing seems to help somewhat. She's definitely clinging tightly to him and crying, but it also becomes clear that she really needed to get these feelings out and needed someone to tell her that it's okay to feel this way. Saying it will be all right doesn't help that much because right now she's such a mess that she can't see that time is likely to help. She just needs someone to for once not tell her she's wrong about whatever because it seems that is all she's been getting as of late. All these people who have no clue about what she's gone through saying she's wrong and making assumptions about what she should do or what she would do that are completely wrong too. Or in some cases were things she has tried and didn't work.

Eventually her sobbing quiets down and she's just quietly clinging to him tightly as he hums to her and saying nothing back. It's clear she's still not in good shape, but she's at least taking the comfort he's trying to provide her and calming down a little bit.]

[He is willing to stay like this for as long as she needs. He wants to be the hero who saves the day, but it's obvious now that what she needs isn't flashy or dramatic. She just needs somebody to listen to her, to believe her, to stand steadfast even in this insane world.

Jonathan is absolutely willing to be that somebody. That she's not sobbing is maybe a good thing, it could be that she's calming down... or she could just have cried herself into exhaustion.]

...I know what it's like crying that hard.

[And it has taken him until today to admit that to the woman he wants to spend the future with in so many words. Very carefully, he leans down and presses a kiss to the crown of Vita's head.]

Wish I could at least make you a decent breakfast... but I'm staying here. I promise.

[No, she's not cried herself to exhaustion. She's clinging to him too hard to have done that. She still feels like she's drowning in all of these terrible feelings, but now she at least has Jonathan to hold on to and keep her afloat until she can find her way to a safer place.

She does finally say something, though her voice is muffled a bit by the fact that her face is still buried against him.]

I'm not hungry and don't want to leave this house anyhow. I just want to stay here with you and for you to tell me how you go through being suspected for killing me. Was that when you cried like this?

I -

[He's never admitted to this to her or to anyone. It's hard to force the words out, hard to think about being alone and heartbroken and guilty. It's past. That's what's kept him going at the worst moments since, that it is past. He can't change it, it isn't happening again.]

I hid. Curled up in bed and hid, and... it was the only way I could get it out. I couldn't even let myself make noise, I could barely breathe.

[It's growing hard to do so now, the way his throat's gone tight.]

I honestly can't remember a lot of the trial. It just - it hurt, I never had anybody but my old man die on me until you were killed, and it just hurt so much. And afterwards I lost it and I fought Naoya and...

[All things being the same, he'd almost rather he'd just tensed up while forcing all of that out, it'd be easier. Trembling is still not something he's okay with his body doing to him... but it is, now.]

I really didn't deal with it well at all.

[And it could have happened again. They could have taken her away from him again.]

[That actually helps because when she saw him at the Base again and saw how happy he was, it seemed like he'd dealt with it all fine other than that bout of insomnia.

She'll give him a hug and hold him tight as he's saying this.]

That's fine. Truly, it helps knowing that it hurt you too and I know Naoya wasn't mad. Is that why you ended up getting really drunk?

[Yes, she remembers Naoya mentioning that too. She got some juicy gossip from her fellow dead at least.]

Aw, hell, I don't like thinking about that...

[He's exaggerating the whine in his voice. He isn't sure what to do except make a joke of it, at first. Still, he drops the bratty schoolboy act quick.]

I was sad, and angry, and that was a big part of it, yeah. Kind of... I grew up where people acted like that was what grown men did when they felt sad. Or felt anything. And I wanted to stop feeling everything, especially feeling like a dumb kid, so....

You're not a dumb kid to me. You're my beloved husband. You can express whatever you feel with me even if you don't feel like you could with others.

[She does sound like she's calming down a bit now.]

How about we agree to be open about our feelings, no matter how terrible they are or how much others won't accept them? Grown men and women still have feelings and isn't a spouse the best person to be open to?

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Sunday morning - Week 3

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